Dear Ms. Surma,
     Before I go into the all-too-familiar tropes of a standard cover letter, let me first take the chance to say what a pleasure it would be to work for the organization. Though I’m sure you’ve heard it before, I’ve been a lifelong fan and it would be a dream come true to work for the Cubs. In fact, when I was 12, I did research to see if it was possible to give myself cancer just so I could make my wish from the Make A Wish Foundation to be to play Center Field at Wrigley for an inning. I wasn’t able to give myself cancer (thank God!) and I am happy to report that I have recently been able to quit with the use of the patch, and I’m pretty sure this time it’s going to stick (no pun intended, haha).
 
 All joking aside, let me cut straight to the chase. With Lou Piniella’s recent exit as head coach, I would like to apply for the vacant Head Coach position. I’ve already detailed my passion for the team and commitment to their success, but I believe my credentials exceed those attributes (see attached resume). My three springs in high school as Physical Therapist Assistant had me in close proximity to none other than the fifth most winningest baseball coach in the state of Illinois, Coach John Kramino. I heard all kinds of super wise stuff about baseball, which I would gladly expound upon should you to invite me for an interview. Furthermore, my experience as President of my Community College’s Intramural Sports Executive Board taught me innumerable lessons about leadership. During this time, I increased intramural participation nearly 35%.

I watch a lot of baseball, and I usually don’t even get that drunk, so I’m not just watching, I’m understanding. Also, while it may be an unconventional reason, I think you’ll see my logic when I point out the greatest reason I’d be an excellent fit as Head Coach is this: I’m a loser. I don’t do a lot, I live at home, I’ve only danced once in public and it did not go well, and I wear a lot of jean shorts. The Cubs can be many things from season to season: inspiring, hard-working, left-handed, but the one thing they most often are, and most often excel at, is losing. I think you’ll agree that my professional work and personal experience, coupled with my extensive time in close proximity to America’s favorite pastime, qualifies me to lead a team of losers. I appreciate your consideration of my application, and look forward to hearing back soon. Go Cubbies!
 


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